I'm really, really lonely. I also suck at meeting people because I think I come off a little strong. I'm seeking a partner in crime. Past crimes have included: planting flowers where they don't belong (not a euphemism), making baked goods in dirty shapes, writing letters to strangers, sidewalk chalk murals. I understand that it may seem like I'm not a very dangerous criminal. I'm not. I like: Nintendo over PS, the Hornets (I have hella tickets for this season), Scott Pilgrim and kin, things related to birds, eating out, Charlie Parker, pie, catching lizards and/ or frogs. I dislike: sloppy drunks (I kind of am one, though, so I'm a hypocrite), super-low-brow humor, crime drama shows, regular Hershey's chocolate, people who chew too loudly. Note the pie. I really like pie, and I like to make it for my friends. Lately I have had very few friends because I just (read: five months ago) moved here from Portland, Oregon and things swing differently down south. But maybe you'll be one?See? Pretty harmless. And I figured if I found anyone who knew who Scott Pilgrim was (thanks Nadim) I would have found a soul mate and everything would be right with the world.
But I found NO ONE. NOOOO ONNNNE. I got 112 responses to this post, and they were all (except one) from men who were obviously trying to get laid. And, um, they were way too old for anyway. And they all attached pictures of themselves and EVERY SINGLE GUY looks EXACTLY the same -- slightly overweight, white, probably pledged Sig, baseball cap, I'm-disguising-my-beer-belly-with-this-ugly-facial-hair goatee. I am not exaggerating when I say I got 112 responses. I got 112. And not a single worthwhile partner in crime.
Actually, I wrote one person back. I even asked him good questions and set up a very charming scenario about peanut butter sandwiches (don't ask), and here is what I got back:
"ahahhahaha idk ru watching top chef? did u think my first response was clever? did you like the subject line?"
New Orleans, I am disappointed. Why am I failing so miserably at meeting cool people? I have never had this problem before. Did I get fat? Do I have a really foul stench? Do all cool people hang out at some bar on the other side of town? What is going on here?
Tonight: Pizza, beer, Scrabble, pie with Joe. Cut his hair (myself one night... oh Regina) and watched "Escape From Witch Mountain." Pretty average on the fun-o-meter. I'm clearly in a rut.