Friday, November 21, 2008

things you should know if you ever reach out to girls who post ads on craigslist:

A comprehensible but in no means comprehensive guide:
  1. For your first e-mail, you should capitalize the following words: "I," the first word in a sentence, and "Barack Obama" (NOTE: You must capitalize BOTH "Barack" AND "Obama." Very important.)
  2. Here are some words that you don't need to capitalize: "Basketball," "Television," "You," "Me," "Car," any words which follow the word "my" (examples: "my Television, my Car, my Cardboard Box Business")
  3. Seriously, why are you capitalizing all these words which are clearly basic (not proper) nouns? STOP DOING THAT.
  4. The only time it is tolerable to say "ur" instead of "you're" is in a text message. With a girl you have been dating for like a year already. Even then it is a stretch. It is NOT appropriate to use this "conjunction" five or more inexplicable times in a 25-word e-mail.
  5. Please don't send an e-mail which says only, "U seem like a qT but ima hafta C A pic."
  6. I'm probably not going to send you a "pic."
  7. I don't really want to see a "pic" of you. I especially don't want to see a pic of you with your "muscles" showing. Or other things. Seriously, dudes of the Internet: exhibitionists much?
  8. If you send an e-mail that says, "I voted for McCain, did you?" I am probably just going to blacklist your e-mail address.
  9. Take a hint: if she doesn't write back within three days she's not interested. Multiple follow-up e-mails are not necessary. Nor are more "pix."
  10. Uninteresting qualities that you don't need to brag about in introductory e-mails: Fondness for organized sports, fondness for getaway vacations to places like beaches or mountains, fondness for beer, fondness for dogs, being a SWM, working at an "Office Space"-type job, living in a suburb, having an obvious nickname (example: Spud).
  11. I don't want to tell you what kind of music I like to listen to.
  12. Come ons work waaaaay worse over the Internet. Just because I'm articulate on Craigslist does not necessarily mean that I'm tired because I've been "running through your mind all night." (You think I'm kidding. It happened.)
  13. Just because I mentioned enjoying pie in my post does not 1) mean I want you make sexual innuendos involving pie, or 2) mean I'm going to think your pie pun is particularly clever.
Long after taking the post down, I'm still getting e-mails. Highlight: A man who sent me just a naked picture of himself wearing a porn mustache, black sunglasses, and a coyboy hat titled "hotbiscuitboy.jpg". The rest of the major highlights are described above. Woe.

1 comment:

Ian said...

George Bernard Shaw totally said, "We learn from history that man can never learn anything from history" WAAAY before Warren Buffett.