Sunday, September 14, 2008

3 percent fun!

I just wanted to let you know, before I went to bed, that today I moved from being 1 percent fun to being 3 percent fun. This was a big leap. I think the main contributor to this was that I sat on Leah's porch with Other Sophie and Others and there was a pretty amazing picnic. You know... with beautiful vegan foods and spice muffins (which I guess counts as a beautiful vegan food) and smoking and wine. Also earlier today I caught a frog in the palm of my hands. It felt like Gak. Remember Gak?

Important People and Things In My Life: Installment One.

Note: These are basically just People and Things I directly dealt with today. Physically or on the phone. Please don't feel left out. I hate people who say things like, "Hey, I noticed I wasn't in your 'Important People and Things In My Life: Installment One.' Clearly you despise me."

This is my cat. His name is Satchmo and he is the most superior living thing on the planet earth. He is 100 percent fun. He picks out all the boring pieces of cat food from his cat food dish and refuses to eat them; he sits on the smoking roof and does not try to escape; he loves The Smiths and most jazz music and hates movies about vampires. He gets totally erotic for under-the-chin business. What a fucking flirt.

This is Ariana Rampy. She is 21 years old. The last time I saw her we had matching cheese blintzes with apples on top. I was not being vegan that day, so don't worry too much. OH SHIT! I totally left my leftover blintzes in my mom's fridge in Portland! Oh well. They would have been good the second day, but oh well. Anyway, Ariana is gutsy and brilliant and somehow attracts not only a lot of cute lesbians, but also the lesbian PART of all women. She is not a lesbian. She likes waffles and understands how parties are meant to be thrown and how apples are meant to be eaten and how desperately important gossip is. Her only flaw is that she is allergic to cats (see above). Luckily, she has gotten over her aversion to spicy food and sleeping in the same bed as someone else. This happened within the last year.

This is a spatula. I have a fairly large collection of spatulas. I have over 300. Whenever there is one of those get-to-know-you games where you have to share one interesting fact about yourself I always share the spatula thing. I am pretty sure I only collect spatulas so that I can have something somewhat interesting to say whenever I have to play one of those games. It is important to note that the collection IS LIMITED TO TURNERS and NOT silicone spatulas. Ben Malbin gave me almost all of my best spatulas. But that's for another day and time.

This is my sister, and this is one of the hottest, most indie-looking pictures I've ever seen taken of anyone in life. She is named Alexis. She is my favorite living human being. There is a man at the school I work at who is named Jake McDonald and he is high on the list, but no one can quite beat my sister. Facts and figures about Alexis: She has had 3 1/2 serious boyfriends; she has beaten at least one version of "Zelda," but I don't know which one; she has played the oboe and the violion; she is in figure skating club AND Dungeons and Dragons club; she has perfect skin; her favorite color is orange; she loves Weird Al Yankovic. And so do I. A lot. I am going to listen to some Weird Al Yankovic right now.

This is a shark named Edward. Alex bought this for me a long time ago and he is probably the second best present I've ever received from anyone (after this piano music box that Jessica Thompson gave me in the seventh grade). He's absolutely British. He really wants to get some pussy. I generally talk to him before I go to sleep. Tonight I'm going to RAP to him, in order to continually increase my funness.

That's all for now. I'm sure you're exhausted. So am I. Surely there will be more tomorrow...

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